Would you believe I had an epiphany because of a panic attack?
Everyone has insecurities. I still have ones that have existed since I was a teenager. But you learn as you get older how to compensate in healthy ways for your insecurities.
I’ve grown to be a confident person who knows who she is, what she wants.
The problem, though, with depression is it can strip those things away from you. The insecurities bubble to the surface and you feel like you’re drowning in them. You forget who you are and what you want. And when you come out of your funk and right the ship, you’re left wondering who you are and what you want from life.
Before I slid back down the hill last fall, I knew what I wanted, where I wanted to be. I had been working hard to figure out my world and be who I wanted to be. I evaluated people in my life and if they were good for me. I evaluated the things I was doing and wanted.
Then my vitamins were out of whack (the latest from the doctor is everything is where it should be now) and depression hit me hard. I’ve pulled out of it, and now I’m left wondering about a lot of things in my life.
How can I be happier?
Something is missing and I can’t figure out what it is, which means I need to get back onto yet another path of self discovery and figuring things out in my life.
That’s the problem with depression. When it smacks you in the face, it throws you completely off track. And when you can pull yourself out of the hole, the work isn’t over. You have to get to know yourself again and what you want.
Yesterday I was riding the PATH into New York when the tightness hit my chest and anxiety started overwhelming me. It was a slight panic attack. I haven’t had one in quite some time, especially not since my medications and vitamins have gotten back into proper alignment. What caused it?
I’ve been thinking about it ever since and I came to the realization I am not sure about my place in the world right now. I need to look inward and figure that out, again. But it’s more than saying “this is what I want in my life.” It’s also about figuring out how to get to where I want to be.
I’ve got work to do again.