Falling back down the hole

For months I was struggling to pull myself out a hole, feeling good with the progress I was making on my climb. But just when I felt I had gotten out of the hole and could stand on solid ground, I fell back down into the hole.

I had worked for many months on things like Project Positive and to get myself to a happier place. It’s hard work of self discovery and determining the best things for me. What makes me happy? How can I make myself happier? What are positive influences on my life? How can I enhance those things?

But in the last few weeks, I feel myself sliding backwards. I can’t put my finger on what’s causing it because there are lots of things. Perhaps it’s all of them combined together that’s causing my backslide.

The lack of light is a big factor, I’m sure. Winter and I do not mix well because I need sunlight. And I haven’t had a chance to mitigate the seasonal depression with walks outside or exercise. I haven’t been going to the gym because of how much I’ve been working and the fact I hurt my knee.

Hurricane Sandy created a stressful situation both before the storm as I worried what would happen and then with all the work that I had to do once the storm arrived and left. And that work continues as I’m still getting back to “normal.”

I’m worried about my own health because I haven’t felt well in quite some time. I’m tired all the time and get frequent sinus-related headaches, which leads me to believe I have a sinus infection. But the fatigue is a major issue. And there’s my parents’ health as they age and continue to be stubborn.

My impending 36th birthday in less than two months also is starting to bug me. I had hoped my life would be in a different place when I had gotten to this point in my life. Should I really still be figuring things out?

And there are a variety of other issues I won’t detail here. It’s hard to feel positive or to focus on your blessings and what makes you happy when so much is bringing you down. All you see is the bottom of the hole and the light from the opening seems so far away. And it’s even worse when you’ve already made this climb. You’re tired from doing it already.

I did have the conversation with myself (I do that a lot) today about my medication. We’re moving me off the Zoloft and onto the Wellbutrin. Is this a good choice right now? Is that change what’s causing this? Or do I need a boost in my medication? I do know I’ve needed Xanax a little bit lately when I hadn’t needed it in months. That makes me wonder if my medication is balanced right.

I’m not supposed to see my doctor until late December. Do I wait? Or do I schedule an appointment sooner? I’m leaning toward the latter. Perhaps it would give me a stronger footing as I pull myself out of this hole. Again.


About Jen

Jen is a social media producer and a local journalist at heart. When not trying to take over the journalism world she writes, takes lots of photos and roots on her beloved New York Rangers and Mets.

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