I’ve always been one to only have a few close friends around me. I’d rather have a few very trusted friends than a large group of people who I don’t feel so close to. I’ve said in my life there have been times when I’m in a room full of people and feel completely alone.
That’s why it’s really hard for me to delete people from my life.
There are some people who will always be in your life, but then there are others who are only there for a short time. Or you’ll be in each other’s lives for a long period and then drift apart. It’s never been an easy concept for me to grasp, but I think my realization of itand doing something about it was the signal of true adulthood for me. That was in my late 20s, the first time I kicked a bunch of people out of my life. I had grown beyond them and all they did was cause trouble for me.
I started thinking about it again today because my friend Michele wrote about the need to delete people, move on from people, in her blog. But it’s something that’s been on my mind for quite some time because I am in a cycle in my life where I’m kicking people out.
It’s not something I like to do, and it’s not something I even realized I was doing. I’ve also been cleaning house, as I like to call it, for a number of months. Last fall I realized a good friend of many years and I had grown so far apart. It wasn’t even the fact that we live far apart now, but she was being overly critical of everything I had going for me in my life. It wasn’t a healthy situation for me as I was trying to be happy without having to move back to antidepressants. We haven’t talked since last fall, and I have moments when I miss her and want to pick up the phone. But the reality is I don’t miss the present her. I miss the past her.
There have been others I’ve booted from my life, like the friend of a number of years who I realized was using me as an escape mechanism. I didn’t want to be that for him or anyone else. I think I’ve known it for quite some time, but I always allowed him to sneak back into my life when I was angry over it. Not this time. I need to take better of myself.
I’m realizing these relationships are not helpful because they’re not giving me the support, care and love I need in my life. It’s always a one-way street, and that’s not fair. I shouldn’t be giving all the time because that’s just using me. Any relationship, whether it’s friendship or a romantic one, needs to be a two-way street where you support each other.
Maybe that makes me selfish, but if you truly care about someone it should be an automatic response. I shouldn’t have to question our relationship and if they’re giving back to me. The thought shouldn’t even pop into my head. And there are plenty of people in my life I havenever thought that about because they are far too good to me, even when I don’t deserve it.
My friend Michele closed her blog post with these words:
I always thought the best advice in the world was “Be excellent to each other.” But you have to never, ever forget to be excellent to yourself. Without that, you’ll never find your way.
If you can’t be excellent to yourself and shed yourself from these one-sided, destructful relationships, you’ll never be happy. You have to love yourself first and foremost because that love is what will make the rest of your life healthy and full.