I had a weird dream last night. In it I had the flu bad enough I went to the doctor, which was my psychiatrist for some reason and not my regular doctor. Her prescription for me to get rid of the flu was chemotherapy.
That’s exactly what my dream self said to my doctor too. And we started arguing about the treatment. I said it was wrong and I didn’t want to get sicker than I was or lose my hair. She argued it was the only treatment that would cure me. I woke up before it was ever resolved.
But the dream has been on my mind ever since because it’s about something that’s been on my mind for a few weeks now.
Last week I wrote about an argument I had with my psychiatrist about therapy and if I should go. She said I needed it; I said it doesn’t work for me. I don’t plan to go to therapy because it really doesn’t work for me. I don’t trust doctors generally and you need to trust a therapist. I will never be able to do that.
I know going to a doctor about my mental health I may not hear things I want to hear. I’m O.K. with that because most of the time it’s things I already know. But why would a doctor argue with me about my treatment? I know what’s best for me better than anyone else, right? My old primary care doctor in Connecticut, who I miss, trusted me as much as I trusted him because he knew how self-aware I am to my health, whether it’s something mental or otherwise.
So this has called into question about what to do with my psychiatrist. Do I continue to see her? There are other signs that have led me to believe I need to find someone else. For example, I have had sessions where she talks far more about herself than she listens to me or asks me questions. I also think she may be as crazy as me if not crazier.
But the prospect of finding a new psychiatrist is a scary one for me. I am going to this doctor based on the recommendation of my primary care physician. The other recommended doctors, unfortunately, were either too booked to see me or don’t take any insurance. I can’t afford to see a psychiatrist without insurance helping pay the cost.
I have friends who have told me they or loved ones have had to see a number of psychiatrists before finding one who helped them best. I may be in the same boat, and it’s scary because changing doctors like that can swing your treatment in all sorts of different directions. I don’t want to do that to myself or my loved ones (because I know how hard I can be to deal with when I am unbalanced).
I’ve got some decisions to make and they’re not going to be easy ones.